Day 67: Sit in a High School Class
There’s no constant rejection as I learned from all the past rejection attempts. Guess what, there’s no constant acceptance either. What’s important is for us to have the flexible mindset so that when the change comes, we are not taken it back and ready.
In this rejection attempt, I wanted to sit in a high school class. I came to United States when I was 16. But I didn’t really have the full high school experience because I didn’t speak much English then. This attempt was to fill a hole that was always in me.
When I was given the go ahead to actually sit in the class, I was over cloud nine. However, things quickly took a down turn as you can tell from the video. The teacher who initially accepted my request rejected me and asked me to leave the class. It was not because I did something wrong. It was not because he was not nice. It was fear, a different kind of fear that what if something bad happened.
Lessons
When negative thoughts creep in, focus on the facts. This will help you not be consumed by emotions.
Have a support network who can help you analyze and see things clearly.
Rejection 66: Rejection for Everyone
I was invited to host a workshop on rejection for the Las Vegas Downtown Speakers Series, during which I shared my experience and learnings, and challenged everyone to do what I am doing - rejection therapy, at the end of the workshop. My challenge was simple - in 15 minutes, get as many rejections as possible in downtown Las Vegas. This was my first rejection workshop, and I was debating whether to have this challenge. I questioned in my head - "would people feel comfortable going into public and make crazy requests to strangers? What if they reject my challenge?"
Something strange happened. Whenever the word 'rejection' appears in my mind, it's almost like I were Popeye and I just ate spinach. I somehow force myself into the super fearless mode to make these outrageous requests. It's funny how a word that is normally associated with negative feelings can now be my power.
To my surprise, not only everyone did it, they all had fun and were thankful that I challenged them. The consensus was that while learning about rejection in a classroom is good, you only learn by going out of your comfort zone and put the knowledge into practice. Moreover, a few attendees also told me they were hesitant, but seeing how everyone else stood up and went out for the challenge encouraged them to follow suit.
Learning: 1. Switching mindset and associating smaller tasks with larger context can be a power tool in our daily tasks. In my case, challenging a group could be intimidating, but making a "rejection attempt" felt much easier. After all, I do this everyday.
2. When taking on a daunting challenge, consider doing so in a group. The support and encouragement from our peers sometimes can be much more effective than any courage we can muster by ourselves.
3. We can gain knowledge about life skills in a book, workshop or classroom. It's only when we practice what we learned, we would benefit the most. Renowned psychiatrist William Glasser famously described:
“We Learn . . . 10% of what we read 20% of what we hear 30% of what we see 50% of what we see and hear 70% of what we discuss 80% of what we experience 95% of what we teach others.”
I couldn't ask the attendees to teach others, but at least they experience it. If you enjoy the idea of using rejection therapy to gain confidence and communication skills, you should make a commitment to practice it too.
Rejection 65: Sleep at Mattress Firm
Before we buy cars, we do test-drives. Before we buy sunglasses, we stare at ourselves in mirrors. Before we marry someone, we date, fight, make up and go to Disney World. Our lives are filled with examples of trying something out before making a final commitment. However, there is one important and expensive item we never try adequately before buying - mattresses. Yes, we lay on them for 5 minutes trying to see if our spines are still straight afterward. However, no one buys a mattress to stare at the ceiling. We buy it so we can spend 1/3 of our day on it in a blissful slumber. If we really want to see how a mattress would fit our lives, we should take a real nap on it. Will a mattress store allow me to do a full test-drive?
Teresa said 'absolutely' without any hesitation, and agreed to wake me up in 10 minutes. However, just like in movies, the man wakes up, the woman is gone.
When asked, the other sales person confirmed that I was the only one who has ever asked to sleep in his mattress store. Moreover, he was also surprised that no one else has ever made that request.
This made me ask the question - why not? We eat in restaurants, we read in bookstores, but we never sleep in mattress stores. Is the idea of losing conscious in a public place the reason? Or is it the fear of being rejected for making a self-perceived 'outrageous' request? I don't know. But what I do know is that I don't want to purchase then haul a $4,000 mattress home, sleep and wake up in neck pain, and have to return that mattress. I think we should all sleep at mattress stores. Or, the mattress store should host after-lunch nap hours or lock in parties. We could all benefit.
Learning - Some requests are extremely rare but also very legitimate, that even the requestees wonder why no one makes those requests. This reminds me of a quote from Robert Kennedy - "There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?". Let's all ask more why-nots.
Rejection 64: Work at a Whataburger Drive-Through
The manager smiled, said no with courtesy, and gave good reasons to both of my requests. That's the essence of good customer service - gaining fans regardless of the outcome.
Also, watching this video, I found that the manager only mentioned they weren't allowed to have people behind the counter. He didn't say the source of that rule. However, while in the restaurant, I remember him mentioning the food law as the reason for the refusal, which was the reason when I was refused to make my own sandwich.
I believe the discrepancy between my memory and reality was due to my associating the reason for the current refusal to an earlier one. In another word, at that moment, I didn't hear the Whataburger manager's voice, I heard the Subway employee's words in my head - "no, the food law and government won't allow this". So, did Whataburger refused me because of the government, the company, the store, or the manager himself? Too bad I didn't find out.
Learning:
1. Great customer services is more about attitude and respect than outcome. If we have to say 'no', say so with genuine smile and a good reason.
2. In negotiation and conversation, the ghost of the past often creeps up without us knowing, causing an automatic association that could be inaccurate, if not detrimental to our success. We need to listen to the other person, not the voice in our own head.
Rejection 63: Evil Queen and the Six Snow Whites
No matter where you are from, you were probably taught not to take snacks from strangers at a young age. It doesn't help that poisoned candy myths are very prevalent in the world. Moreover, apples have very special meaning in our culture, whether it's Adam and Eve's temptation, Isaac Newton's inspiration, or the popular computer company that is richer than the US government. One of the favorite fairy tale in the world is Snow White, whose experience with apple didn't go too well.
I wanted to see if I could combine all these emotions and re-enact the Snow White scene, by offering apples to random adults.
I became hopeful after the first encounter, then felt disappointed after four consecutive rejections. I shouldn't have, since in rejection therapy, a rejection is a win. However, after an initial acceptance, my expectation changed and thus the feeling after a rejection.
In the end, acceptance or rejection, I wanted to engage in a conversation so I could understand the underlying reason. Fortunately, the last lady crammed more words in a two-minutes conversation than the population of Vatican City. Because of that explanation, it confirmed my hypothesis that grownups don't want to take food from strangers for the same reason that children do. For that, I really appreciate her honesty.
Learning: 1. The feeling after a rejection often has a lot to do with expectations. Rejection blended with disappointment could be a nasty drink to swallow. That's why rejection therapy is a great tool for life, because it get you used to the taste with non-critical requests, so you aren't afraid to make critical requests despite the emotional aftermath. 2. Getting to know the non-BS reason for a rejection is often liberating, because it lights a path for future improvement for the rejectee. That's why I often advocate that we need to be both kind and honest when giving rejections. The "it's not you, it's me" line is more a cop out than kindness.
My TEDx Talk
Finally my TEDx Talk is up! For those of you who are new to my blog, I shared my feelings and thoughts on the talk here: From Rejection To Magic.
It was truly an amazing experience. I couldn't have done it without all of your support. It's just a start and let's continue this journey together.
Rejection 62: Sell Cookies For the Girl Scouts
Like many people, I am very uncomfortable when someone is trying to sell me something. However, when it comes the Girl Scouts, my guard automatically dissipates, because the sales people are none other than young girls. Even if they do charge me $4 for a box of cookies, I am sure it is for a good cause. Now, can I be a girl scout? Would they allow a 31-years-old guy, rather than young girls to sell cookies? If they do, would people buy from me? To find out, I volunteered to be that salesman for the Girl Scouts.
I always try to learn something new from every rejection, whether it's food sanitation rules or the honesty of computers. Today, I again learned something new - I don't have to be a young girl, or a female at all, to be a girl scout!
Had I not forced myself to ask that question for my rejection attempt, I probably would have never known that fact. I should have learned not to be surprised by now, since I already learned things such as sitting in the driver seat of a police car doesn't necessarily lead me to handcuffs, and Starbucks allows me to set up private printer stand. Does that mean I can also meet the governor or sit in random high school classes? Well, I can never find out if I put the limitation in my mind and don't ask.
Learning: Bruce Lee once said "If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them..." I can't believe I am learning these things through rejection therapy.
Rejection 61: Plant a Flower In Someone's Yard
Whether you are a door-to-door sales person, a Mormon missionary, or a campaign fund-raiser, knocking on strangers' doors is a required skill. It could also be very scary for the non-professionals, because you don't know what will show up when the door opens, whether it's a smiley face, or something unpleasant if not downright scary. Then I wondered, instead of knocking to ask for something, what if I simply offer something that's almost universally welcomed, such as planting a flower in their yard? It also defies their expectation of a solicitor. Will people welcome me with open-arms, or reject me with stiff-arms?
This is the first time that I do garden work for strangers for free, and be this happy... In fact, this is the first time I am happy about doing garden work, period. It simply is not my cup of tea. However, I learned that Connie loves roses, and what I did really made a contribution to their yard.
Also, this is my third time knocking on doors. Previously, I tried to play soccer in someone's backyard, and to join a random Superbowl party. I didn't get shot or even rudely rejected in any of these attempts. Again, we often think of the sensational worst outcomes, but reality is often much more benevolent. In her famous TED talk on fear, Karen Thompson Walker explained how fear can force us into wrong decisions... very wrong decisions.
Learning: 1. With the right attitude and intention, knocking on doors isn't as scary as we think. That's why it's happening everyday and everywhere. 2. Fear often makes us reject ourselves before someone else can reject us. Just like how suicide rate dwarfs homicide rate, self-rejection happens much more often then rejection from others.
Rejection 60: [Special] - My First College Lecture
When I stumbled upon this article on regrets, I couldn't help but imagine what my life would have been if I hadn't made the decision to pursue my dream to become an entrepreneur last year. I would still be collecting paychecks and live a life others expected of me... and I would still be filled with regrets. Now, after I embarked upon my entrepreneurial journey and fought rejection with rejection, I saw many miraculous things happening in my life which I will for sure smile upon when I get old. I got a box of Olympic symbol shaped donuts, found a job in one day, got Jeff Probst to sing a song to my son, and so many more. Now, I fulfilled another life-long dream - to give a lecture to college students (background episode).
Before class started, for rejection of the day, I asked the students a very personal question - what do you fear the most, and what are you going to do about it? I thought no one was going to answer that question to a stranger without any context.
When you are fulfilling a life-long dream, you take it seriously. After researching and pondering upon the topic, I decided to use the biblical story of Apostle Paul spreading Christianity as an example of communication and rejection in social change. Based on the feedback from both students and Professor Rollins, I have connected with them very well.
Oh, and the rejection, I didn't get one! I was very surprised that more than one students chimed in on their greatest fear. I don't know the exact reason, but my hypothesis is that young people like college students are much more open to expressing their feelings than older people. After all, they haven't had to put on the façade of invincibility workplace and society have forced upon them yet.
What do you think?
Learning: In her famous TED talk, Dr. Brene Brown described the power and necessity of vulnerability. Maybe in this sense, we can all learn something from college students.
Rejection 59: Set Up a Printer Stand at Starbucks
When I travel I often use a Starbucks as my "office." However, when I need to print something I am often at a loss and forced to go to places I don't want to go (cough "Kinko's" cough). I often wonder why Starbucks doesn't offer printing services to customers. Sure, it would cost extra investment to provide paper and printer, but wouldn't it attract more customers to the stores and therefore sell more coffee? There is clearly a need for this; right? Sometimes the best approach is simply to try it out myself. Today I went into a Starbucks store and offered to set up a printer stand with my own printer for free. This was a classic store-within-a-store setting, except everything was free. I wanted to see two things: 1. Would Starbucks reject my offer? 2. Would customers reject my service?
To my surprise Starbucks took up on my offer and let me set up my services, but the "free printing" service wasn't that appealing to the customers. Of course this all happened in a short span of time. I acknowledge that a real, valid business experiment would require much longer time and would need to be conducted in many more stores.
Entrepreneurial success is much more than coming up with a clever idea and trying to make it work. In his wonderful book on entrepreneurship The Lean Startup, Eric Ries emphasized the importance of finding customer needs through experimentation and learning.
Learning: For those of you who are entrepreneurs, don't be afraid to test your ideas out in public and be rejected by customers. Success doesn't happen in our minds, on computer screens or even in a garage; it happens in customers' hands. You will learn if your idea is good in no time once it gets in the customers' hands.
Rejection 58: Name My Own Price at Dollar Tree
With my rejection therapy, I have been trying to stay away from requesting money or free stuff, because it would get old really quickly. I found it much more interesting if I offer people unusual experiences, such as compliments, a dinner with my family, or pumping their gas. Today, I tried one more thing - paying more money above the price tag for a product at Dollar Tree.
This exchange started out a little rough, but quickly stabilized because I didn't take anything personally. I was also presented with a third party - the computer. Since I didn't know how to negotiate with a computer, I couldn't make any progress in my request.
Looking back, I could have tried some creative ways to take computers out of the negotiation, like how I got Jennifer to say 'yes' to me regardless what her boss/HR rep might say, when I was trying to find a job in one day. In today's case, I could have asked her to buy the window wash for a dollar, then I will pay her two dollars for it. But then, there was also a possibility that I might get her in trouble, and that's the last thing I wanted to do.
Learning: 1. No matter how rough the conversation goes, taking your negative emotion out of an exchange is the best way for making any requests. 2. When the other person uses a third and non-negotiable party such as an object, a system, or an organization as the reason for saying 'no', you can try to isolate the person from the third party. But make sure you don't jeopardize that person's relationship with the third party as the result.
Rejection 57: Buy Quarter of a Shrimp
When I made requests such as getting olympic symbol donuts or racing a random person, fulfilling them requires a lot of work, but the results were spectacular. I wonder what would happen if I request something that requires work, but the result was very insignificant? To test it out, I went to Whole Foods and asked to buy a quarter piece of a shrimp.
To my surprise, the two employees treated my request as if it was just another normal request, and they even gave me three quarter pieces. Interestingly, they put the word "wow" on the package. I wonder if it meant "wow moment" for a customer.
Learning: Good customer focuses on action, attitude and effort, not results. A customer could get a 'yes' but still feels unhappy, or a 'no' but feels very happy. It's all about the interaction and relationship.
From Rejection to Magic
Yesterday, I gave a talk at TEDxAustin, sharing my story and learning about my 100 Days of Rejection Therapy. I had experiences in giving talks at meetups, companies, small conferences and churches. Also, coming from a family of teachers (my father, grandparents, uncle are all teachers), I have had the influence of public speakers since I was little. However, I had never given a talk at a stage on the level of TEDxAustin, which is probably the most highly regarded idea conference after SXSW. In attendance were the most accomplished and brightest minds in the city. During the day, the 13 speakers went before me were talking about saving the world through technology, education and art. Some of them invented things such as XBox Kinect and the Ethernet. They had titles with the words 'PhD' or 'Professor' in them. And me? I am a guy who looked for rejections after failing to land investment for my startup.
As my time slot was inching closer, my mouth started to dry up, my nose started to hurt (no idea why), and I couldn't come up with one coherent sentence when talking to my wife. Saying 'I was nervous' was the biggest understatement of 2013. I thought about fleeing the scene, mentioning my accent as an excuse, or starting my talk with a joke about the stage carpet and playing mini golf. Thank goodness, none of those happened. One thought came to my mind - hey, I am the "Rejection Guy". If I had the guts to knock on stranger's door, to give a flight safety announcement, or to dance with a waitress in the public, I can now use my teacher genes to do what I am really good at - communicating ideas. If anything, I should be the most fearless speaker of the day.
As 5:00pm hits, my time has come, and the host introduced me. I stepped on the beautifully crafted stage, and walked into the limelight and cameras. As I glanced down into the crowd, I saw a thousand faces I had never seen before. What immediately came to my mind were you guys - my dear readers and followers.
You read my blog, watch my videos and write me emails because you also share my fear of rejection. You are inspired by my journey and the people like Jackie from Krispy Kreme, Scott from Costco, and Jeff and Dana from Southwest. The people in the audience were also like you and me, governed by both pride and fear, hope and doubt. It was my duty to share this story and let them know that rejection is nothing to be feared about. It ain't about me anymore.
Then, I had an out-of-body experience. It was as if I left my body in the form of a spirit, watching this guy talking about his story. In the next 10 minutes, he was smiling, joking, pausing, nodding, and hand-gesturing. He was not fazed by the timer countdown, verbal mistakes, or anything. He knew what he was talking about, and knew exactly what to say. Ten minutes and many laughters and applauds later, it was over, and I went back into this guy's body. What I saw in front of me was a long standing ovation. I smiled, blushed, and became this incoherent and nervous guy again.
Back in November, when the investor turned me down, I could have never imagined that I would be giving a TED talk three months later. My 100 Days of Rejection Therapy has taught me hundreds of things. But if I had to pick just one thing, it was that when bad things happen, if you treat them like good things and fight forward, magic will happen later.
Rejection 56: Attend a Random Superbowl Party
I have heard about wedding crashers and party crashers. But what is it like to crash a superbowl party? Would the galvanizing sporting event make people do weird things, such as allowing strangers into their house to watch the game with them? Well, there is only one way to find out:
This was one of the more intimidating requests for me, for three reasons:
1. I would be knocking on a stranger's door for a request that would result in a sure-fire rejection.
2. I would be more than likely facing more than one person. As I have learned, negotiating with a group of people is really difficult, because a group is much more likely to default to society norms and be very bold in making rejections. Also, group-thinking often suppresses individual creativity and empathy.
3. I actually preferred my own party, the one with my friends and actually invited me. When I know I don't want something deep down, it's much more difficult to convince the other party to deliver for me.
Learning: A crazy request usually has a much better chance of succeeding with a single person than a group, and for something I really want instead of something I am lukewarm about.
Thoughts After Meeting Tony Hsieh - It Ain't About Me Anymore
I often wonder what billionaires are like in-person. Do they burn cash to fry lobster burgers? Do they wear cloths made off crocodile fur? Do they drive cars that can dance to YMCA? I also can't help but imagine what I would do if I had a billion dollars, and thought about building my own company to delight my employees and customers, writing books and speaking to inspire other entrepreneurs, investing in technologies that would make the world a better place, and improving my community to attract talented people from all over the world. Most importantly, I just want to be me, a down-to-earth guy who fights for a better tomorrow, with my dreams and struggles, strength and flaws, laughters and tears.
Then I met Tony Hsieh, a guy who is doing pretty much all that.
On one hand, it is thrilling to meet the future version of whom I want to become. On the other hand, I remembered the phrase from Ecclesiastes - "Is there anything of which one can say, 'Look! This is something new'?" Should I be happy that someone has already done it, or be depressed that someone has already done it?
After days of thinking, reflecting on rejection therapy, I think I found the answer - it shouldn't be about me anymore. Nor is it about Tony Hsieh, or Bill Gates, or Martin Luther King Jr. It is about making the world a better place. Whether you are a billionaire, a young entrepreneur, a waitress, a donut maker, a police officer, we all have the ability, gift and responsibility to deliver happiness, one person at a time.
When you, or someone else question if you can really make a positive difference in the world, the answer is 'yes'. Here is the proof.
Rejection 55: Get A Private Jet Ride from Tony Hsieh
Reading about someone in books/magazines is one thing, and meeting that person face-to-face is another. In my encounter with Tony Hsieh, the inspiring visionary who is rebuilding Las Vegas through the Downtown Project, I started thinking about my own world view and 100 days of rejections. Not wanting to let a rejection opportunity slip by, I asked Tony if I could have a free ride on Zappo's corporate jet. Here is how it went down:
It wasn't Zappos' jet after all. In fact, JetSuite is a company Tony invested in, and Zappos employees get to use the jet for free. I am very excited he said 'yes', and I will take him up on the offer someday.
Another thing that amazed me was how down-to-earth Tony Hsieh was in person. Part of me already expected it through reading his his book - Delivering Happiness, but another part expected this Donald Trump/NBA superstar MTV crib celebrity type. He was definitely not that. He acted like a friend at a party, and all his focus was on making Zappos and downtown Las Vegas a better place.
Learning: I don't believe money and power change a person, for good or for bad. However, it does magnify who the person already is. When you have the financial means to do whatever you want, you can either throw it all away, or invest in your company and community.
Rest in peace, Tony……
Rejection 54: Dance With My Waitress
After going through more than 50 episodes of rejection therapy, I have been through a lot. I stood in front of a crowd giving a speech, made an announcement in an airplane over 100 passengers, and knocked on strangers' doors. I started to feel so fearless that I could ask for anything from anyone. However, when my wife suggested that I ask my waitress for a dance in the middle of a restaurant, I started sweating like I was in a Turkish bath. After mustering my courage, I made the request. Here is what happened:
Former NFL star Jason Taylor said "doing (Dancing With The Stars) is actually more nerve-wracking than a game day in the NFL". I'm not a star but I can somewhat relate to it now. I kept thinking why this one was so tough for me? Is it because asking to dance with a woman is an inherently difficult act for a man? Or is it because dancing in the middle of a crowded restaurant is potentially embarrassing? Or is it because I am really bad at dancing in general? In any case, I tried the same thing again in a parking lot, and felt so much more at ease. My 'practice' paid off.
Learning: No matter how difficult, scary or absurd the situation is, practice helps. If you are hindered by fear of rejection, or anything else, just do it, and do it again. You will get better.
Rejection 53: Ask Zappos Employees to Gangnam Style
I came to know Tony Hsieh through his book Delivering Happiness. It is a must-read for all entrepreneurs who want to build an impactful company. I was honored to be invited by him to present at the CatalystCreativ Series and share my experience at the Las Vegas Downtown Project last week. I also had the opportunity to tour the Zappos headquarters. During my tour at Zappos, I witnessed the fun and craziness of the company, with its fully decorated office space, cheerful greetings from employees, and welcoming atmosphere. No wonder it's ranked as one of the best places to work. A rejection idea also popped up in my mind. I randomly invited employees to dance Gangnam Style with me. Guess what happened:
A little confession: I kind of expected to receive a 'yes' this time, just because of what I had witnessed during my tour and the company's reputation. My intention was to teach them to dance, but it turned out I was the worst dancer among them. After a little background research, I learned that Tony had asked the Zappos employees to do a Gangnam Style Parody last Thanksgiving. I was simply late to the party, but we still had fun.
Learning: Want to provide great customer service? "Deliver happiness" to your employees, and they will pass on the happiness to your customers. It is very difficult to get a rejection from companies such as Zappos and Southwest. They deliver the ultimate customer experience, internally and externally.
Rejection 52: Be Like a Southwest Pilot
There are a few factors in a request: requester (who), requestee (who), request content (what), request delivery (how), and request context (where and when). Any one of these factors could determine the outcome of a request. My blog often focuses on request content and delivery, but sometime it is just as important who the requestee is. In this case, it is Southwest Airline, to whom I already made a crazy request on day 19, when I asked to deliver the flight safety announcement. However, can they take on another one from? Today, after the flight I asked the captain to give me a tour of the cockpit.
After this episode, I feel I would get a 'yes' from Southwest no matter what I ask, as long as it's legal and ethical.
Learning: Sometimes to whom we are making our requests makes a big difference in the outcome.
Rejection 51: Make My Own Sandwich at Subway
Based on a popular demand, I went into a Subway requesting to build my own sandwich. During the experience, I found two things interesting:
1. I had to clarify repeatedly that what I really wanted was to build my own sandwich, with my own hands. I thought "building my own sandwich" would entail that, but it wasn't enough.
2. Apparently, the idea was too crazy that the girl said no without knowing the reason, and had to ask for help. It would have been a more lively conversation had she asked 'why'.
Learning: Some times an idea can be too strange that our automatic response is to say no. Before each 'no', I should ask myself and the other person 'why'.