I know you’re scared of being rejected by girls (or guys). It’s intimidating. And what happens if she says no? What are you going to do in that extremely awkward five second walk away from her? You will most likely trip and fall into a giant water puddle nearby and all of her friends will laugh and throw their hair back like a scene out of Mean Girls. As this plays out in your mind, you slowly convince yourself of all of the reasons why you should play it safe and not talk to her.
I’m going to give you three solid reasons why you should get up, be a man (or a woman), go say the words that need to be said, and be a hero by winning her heart.
Reason One: A simple rejection isn’t a well informed decision about your character.
You’re scared of her saying no to you, or how hard the rejection will be on your self-esteem. If you’re a normal human being, you might even feel a tinge of self doubt. Am I even an attractive person? These are all normal thoughts, but they aren’t rational.
Here’s why: She doesn’t know who you are. She doesn’t know that you volunteer on weekends at the humane society. She doesn’t know that you’re a gentleman and a scholar. She doesn’t know that you were really nervous when you introduced yourself and that normally your palms don’t sweat like you just finished running a marathon in the Sahara Desert.
She is giving you an answer based on an infinitely small judgment of who you are as a person. A large majority of her opinion on how attractive she thinks you are depends on your charisma when you present yourself.
Key: Untie rejection and your self worth.
Reason Two: Her opinion doesn’t define your worth.
I had a wise friend once tell me that even if you’re the best looking guy in the world, there are going to be girls who think you’re ugly. It’s a fact of life. I’ve even met women who think Brad Pitt is ugly. I mean, c’mon.
The point is, one person’s opinion is just that- an opinion. I’ve found through my own rejection journey that opinions are the most abundant item on the entire Earth.
Key: Acknowledge that the opinion of one person, cannot and shouldn’t dictate the way you see yourself. For every person who thinks you’re ugly, there will be one who thinks you’re beautiful, smart, and extremely hilarious. Don’t quit looking.
Reason Three: The only way to develop confidence is through extensive practice.
So maybe she really is way out of your league and you’re going to try and pull off a homerun. In this kind of situation, don’t worry about the outcome of the answer. Simply tell yourself this, “There is a very likely chance this girl will say no to me.” Then accept that answer, and go for it anyway, embracing the craziness.
“Hi, I know you’re way too beautiful for me. But I knew I couldn’t leave here without saying hello. So hello, and if you don’t think I’m the worst looking guy in the world would it be okay if I bought you dinner sometime?”
(Heyo! You killed it, nice job.)
“No thank you.”
Well, you tried. The best part about this experience was now you are one step closer to developing the confidence you need to calmly talk to women and ask them out on dates. Think of it like constantly going to the gym. If you don’t work out for six months and then try to bust out an hour on the cardio machines, you’re likely going to throw up or fall over from exhaustion.
It’s the same for talking to women, if you never practice talking to them, introducing yourself, and figuring out which talking points work or don’t work, then you’ll never quite build that mental dating muscle.
Key: The more you ask women out, the better you’ll be.
If you’re trying to figure out a practical way to get over your fear of asking someone out, I have a challenge to nudge you in the right direction. Go out and get five women to reject you in a public place. Don’t be a creepy weirdo, just ask them if they would like to have dinner with you. The rules for this challenge are you can’t lie nor break the law. Outside of that, be creative and enjoy learning how to get over your fear. While you’re warming up for your challenge, watch this video of me getting rejected by five women in the Whole Foods parking lot.
This is part 3 of a series I’m doing called Rejection Remedy-- the idea that we can conquer all the fears in our life by using rejection as the remedy.